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my journey in the nonhuman community

i always felt different from other people. not in the "i'm so different, look at me" sense. not in the neurodiversity sense. more so that i felt like a different species as the others. sure, many kids roleplay as animals when they play. but the point is: i never saw it as roleplay. i was genuinely expressing myself as something else. but the real change happened when i was somewhere around 16 or 17. i have moved to my human father, out of the abusive household of my human mother. it was the first time i could really be myself, finally having the time and opportunities to look into myself. suddenly, i started to feel wings on my back, mostly when going home while listening to music. they would move to the beat. later followed a tail, then horns. i never told anyone, as some found my behavior i had developed quite disturbing when i wasn't careful and masking my real self. i can't blame them. i still find it weird, or maybe that's my society-trained human brain thinking.
then, the covid pandemic came, which lasted a few years and changed the lives of many. like my own. it was the second bigger lockdown, and i spent my forced free time at my grandmother's house, a few days after new year's eve in 2021. i was laying in bed, i couldn't fall asleep, so i scrolled through my phone. i was looking at dragon pictures as always, especially posts of "the legend of spyro"; a video game trilogy released on consoles and handhelds back in 2006-2008. it was my hyperfixation... no, more than that. i could feel my paws, claws, tail and more while watching and laying on the side. then i thought about something:
"what if... i find out what this feeling is? maybe it is a mental condition which can be treated?"
then i did it. i opened my browser and searched for "humans that feel like they are a dragon". the first result was a german wiki link about dragonkin. curious, i read what it meant.i was shocked. literally shocked after finding out what dragonkin meant. i could have sworn i am the only human on earth thinking they are a dragon. i didn't know what to do the next few minutes. i just stared at my phone, in the middle of the night in bed, next to me my grandmother snoring and dozed off to the realm of dreams. i wanted to meet them. the "others" who were like me. i needed to find a way to contact them.
by the time, discord, a messaging website and app became quite popular. in the next morning after my "awakening", i googled for dragonkin servers. i instantly found several, but i clicked on the first one again. it was dragon's cove, a fairly big server for such a niche community. i remember being so happy, so relieved after meeting more of my kind. i asked a annoyingly amount of questions, was so nervous yet thrilled talking to other dragons. i think it went several days like this. i joined another server; draconic sanctuary, which i called my home server for a few years. from there, my real journey began. a journey of identity, knowledge and truthfulness. with the help of some dragons, especially their discussions of phantom limbs, shifts, past life memories and the like i gave the appearance of my dragonself a few last touches. or... was it my true dragon self?i finally found my people. finally someone who understood me, with whom i could talk about my experiences. but one thing bothered me; they were all traditional dragons. they all had past lives, and even memories from those lives. i had... nothing. just feelings, at that time. and my dragonself was different. it looks like a dragon similar to a video game character, not something from real life mythology. i felt embarrassed, like some troll who came to their server to make fun of their real experiences. i just wanted to fit in to a community, to people who had the same struggles and wishes like i had. beings like me who i have found at long last. so i needed to create a "more fitting" dragon.

swind. an european/western dragoness who could manipulate the wind. not far from my real self, but this dragon was far more common. she was dragon sized, did what most dragons do. i was happy, even though i was lying to everyone and myself. i found out about the term fictionkin half a year later, but i was still wary.
i didn't wanna expose myself as a liar, so i kept going. when i felt a bit safer, i went identifying as cynder from that video game series two years later. that was when the community and myself started to accept fictionkin a lot more. i thought it would feel better, and after all my real dragon self looks almost identical to her. but that felt wrong too. my personality didn't match hers, and i was sure my scales should be white, not black. i love spyro, but not in a way she does. i didn't know what to do, so i sat down and thought for a bit; "if swind and cynder don't feel right, maybe it's something completely different?". i tried to remember the early beginnings of my childhood, and thought about i always wanted to be a tiger.
so i began to view myself as a tiger therian.the first few months were a blast! i could finally behave like myself without the restrictions of a fictional source. i had paws, was fluffy and could be seen as wild or domesticated. i could mix and match whatever felt more like me. i commissioned artists to draw my big cat-self. i roleplayed (or how i like to call it: narrated my actions) as a tiger. i felt wonderful being a therian.

but, again, it felt like i was lying to myself and others. it felt great, no doubt, but what about the wings on my back? what about the longing i felt when looking at pictures of my homeworld? the cherished memories of playing the games on my console? i belonged there, not here on earth.i sat down again, begged my brain to give in, that everything would be fine if we stopped pretending i was something i'm not. i broke down every tiny aspect of me, wrote down which kinds of phantom limbs i felt, what behavior i had and compared those to the dragons from a specific trilogy of video games. i think i knew within what i really was. i just needed a push. so my journey began again, but this time differently than the last three. i want to be certain. i just tell people attributes about myself i really am certain about. i'm not afraid of letting others know what i don't know. i'm not scared of saying "i'm not sure" anymore.
yes, i am a dragon who looks very similar to the dragons of a video game. in fact, many would confuse me with cynder. but it is very real to me. i couldn't explain to you why, i do not have memories of a past life. i just have my meditations and feelings. but this is how i look like, this is who i am.
i am not swind, nor cynder, nor a tiger. i am dreki, a dragon trapped in a human shell. maybe it's a psychological phenomenon, maybe i'm "not ready" for any past life memories yet, maybe it's a secret third thing. but that doesn't matter. i know what i am now, or what i should be.
i wouldn't consider myself fictionkin as well, as i am not of a fictional source. my dragon body and my homeworld may look almost identical to the universe a human on this planet made, but it is not the same. i believe that they had to make the games and i had to come across them to find out who i truly am. it was fate.
i know this journey isn't over by far, but i am confident for the future that awaits me. i just hope this time i will stay true to myself and others, verifying my assumptions with meditations and astral travels, maybe even dreams. i am hopeful this is what or who i really am, and i won't mess it up again.so, what is it like now? my journey? by any means, it's not over yet. to give myself clarity, i am trying to use my experiences in the otherworld as the truth of my draconity. which means that everything i experience in meditations, astral travels and dreams counts as knowledge of my dragonself. i will try to document them on this page.
but there are still mysteries regarding those spiritual experiences: sometimes i end up in a completely different body or world. i have to investigate those further.

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about my draconity

species
- i am a white-scaled dragon who can fly
- i have six horns in total which feel sturdy
- i have seen one other living dragon; a male red dragon who could see me (special ability?)
- we use spoken language as well as body language and animal sounds (growls, hisses)
- i am sapient, but also behave animalistic
- i like to play in leaf piles, like an animal
- i sunbathe when i candiet
- i eat crystals
- brown mushrooms are delicious
- i drink from natural waters like brooks. i don't scoop up the water with my tongue like many animals do, but rather stick my snout in the water and suck it inreligion and culture
- there are many ruins on my homeworld, some of them are still in use
- there is a hall i often visit with a round, artificial pond in the middle which waters glow. acts as a portal to different places if one dives into it
- we worship the spirits of deceased dragons who we call "the ancestors"
- some dragons have roles (does a society exist?)
- some dragons wear clothes (cloaks, jewelry)dragon spirits
- can contact dragons/those with dragon souls on other worlds
- can materialize into glowing purple, but almost transparent dragon forms
- can speak to living beings
- spirits who had special roles as living dragons seem to keep their rank when becoming an ancestor
- may start a new life as a living being, but loosing all their memories of being a dragon spiritplanet
- has multiple biomes
- floating islands (like on pandora) with ruins and abandoned villages on them
- deep, mossy mushroom forests; giant mushrooms act as trees
- temperate forests like on earth
- caves with torches on the wall
- at least one big swamp
- rivers/brooks existwildlife
- small rodents live in caves (shrews? moles?). as big as a young adult dragon's paw

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